Some Things that Never Happened (And Some That Did)

So I’ve written one hundred posts. I spent a lot of time these past few weeks thinking about how I could thank all of the wonderful people who have made it such a pleasure to write each of those posts.

Finally, I came up with a wonderful/terrible idea. This blog has been more about my non-fiction than my fiction, so I thought that I would write a piece of fiction exclusively for my readers.

But not just one piece of fiction.

Five pieces of fiction!

And not just any fiction.

Stories written in exactly one hundred words to commemorate my one hundredth post!

Here they are, a collection of  completely original one hundred word* stories to celebrate my one hundredth post! I hope that you enjoy them.

*Except for Number Three. For reasons that will become obvious.

Disclaimer: The labeled stories are works of fiction. I only wish that my life was as interesting as the remixes would imply. No cats, chairs, or octopuses were harmed in the creation of this blog. Yes, that is how I am going to write the plural of octopus. Feel free to tell me all about it.

 

Five Ways that Cat Amesbury Never Started a Blog (And One Way She Did)

 

1. You Can’t Handle the Truth

She’d made it to the hole in the wall with the broken chairs and the layer of dust as thick as her hand on the counter. The only secure connection in the city didn’t need to advertise.

The man at the counter nodded, handing her the device without a word. She’d planned and sacrificed and bled for this day. It was hard to believe that it had finally arrived.

It only took a few keystrokes to lay it all out in cold black and white.

There was no turning back.

“The truth is out there,” she whispered.

She hit ‘Post’.

 

2. It’s a Terrible Life

“Is there a reason I’ve got a chain-smoking angel sitting on my dresser?”

“Look lady, I don’t get paid the big bucks to tell you how you’re too old to play with toy trucks.”

“They’re collectibles!”

“Whatever. Your life is great and you’re great and you shouldn’t do whatever stupid thing it is you’re planning on doing.”

“… Buying a giant purple octopus to hang over my front door?”

“No, that’s a great idea- Hey, are you Nat Amesbury?”

“Nope.”

“Well, da- Er, you’ve been chosen to spread the word! Congratulations!”

“Wait! Why do I suddenly have a WordPress login?”

 

3. The Cat with Artistic Pretensions

She sat in the house
Doing nothing at all
Her eyes on the screen
Her eye on the ball

So sitting and staring
She soon failed to see
The strange-looking creature
That fell from the tree

Its claws were quite sharp
Its fur- how it shone
And it crept to the house
Creep, creep cross the lawn

So when she looked up
Her heart how it beat
It’s not every day
A cat that you meet!

This cat had a hat
And a pen and a book
And he shoved them towards her
And told her to look

No fun for this writer
She lost in the fight
All the words of her cat
She now had to write

 

4. Temperance and Tentacles

It is a truth not at all acknowledged that a woman in search of world domination must be in want of a giant purple Kraken. Upon meeting such a Kraken, her first act was to secure an unbreakable pact. In truth, there was something in her air and her manner of mad cackling that was appealing to those monstrous cephalopods. Kraken secured, she dispensed with such unpleasantries as suitors and meddling family. Her first desire accomplished, she proceeded to write her manifesto of intent.

As her words were scattered throughout the meeting places of the ton, she smiled.

“Entail this!”

 

5. Speed Infinity: We’ve Run Out of Tense Situations

The other people in the computer lab looked towards her, their eyes wide.

Amateurs.

She picked up the phone with the practiced ease of being the only person old enough to remember when you still had to pick up a phone to answer it.

The person on the other end got right to the point.

So did she.

“So if I type below fifty words a minute, the internet explodes?”

The silence on the other end of the line was all the answer she needed.

“Right.” She nodded and rolled up her sleeves. “Let’s blow the ribbon off this mothertyper.”

~

∞ The Boring Truth

“Look,” they said. “You’re the one who thought that you needed a blog to show people how you write. So write.”

“So much writing,” she said, glancing nervously at her next chapter. “So much writing.

They shrugged. “So find something you like and write about that.”

They paused for a second before adding, “Well, maybe not the weird things you like. Save those for the story.”

She wrote and she was sure it was a completely normal post. Still, she hesitated before she posted, looking towards her family.

“So how do you feel about giant purple octopuses in carny outfits?”

~Finis~

IMG_0573All good things must come to an end, but here’s to one hundred more beginnings!

 


 

Honestly, if you enjoyed this, you are probably related to me and really should go check out my fantasy novel, The Guests of Honor.  It’s over here.

I Obviously Have Too Few Things To Complain About

the dishes in the sink

my existential crisis

why, dishwasher, why?

IMG_0286Life Philosophy: Bad

 

*For this week, I will be sharing deep, philosophical statements about life and writing through haiku.

*Disclaimer: “Deep”, “Philosophical”, “Life”, “Writing” and “Haiku” may be approximate statements not tied to dictionary meanings. The author is not responsible for any eye-rolling related injuries.

 


If you would like to see some dishes that can take care of themselves, I have also written a fantasy novel, The Guests of Honor. It is available here.

No One Accidentally Falls into A Pool Full of Tadpoles

there is a reason

why the water is seething

look before you leap

IMG_8580Life Philosophy: Good

*For this week, I will be sharing deep, philosophical statements about life and writing through haiku.

*Disclaimer: “Deep”, “Philosophical”, “Life”, “Writing” and “Haiku” may be approximate statements not tied to dictionary meanings. The author is not responsible for any eye-rolling related injuries.

 


If you enjoy swimming in writhing waters, I have also written a fantasy novel, The Guests of Honor. It is available here.

A Bittersweet Pleasure

spring’s simple pleasures

a burst of aromatics

this is hay fever

IMG_0183Life Philosophy: Good

*For this week, I will be sharing deep, philosophical statements about life and writing through haiku.

*Disclaimer: “Deep”, “Philosophical”, “Life”, “Writing” and “Haiku” may be approximate statements not tied to dictionary meanings. The author is not responsible for any eye-rolling related injuries.

 


If you would like some non-red-eyed reflections, I have also written a fantasy novel, The Guests of Honor. It is available here.

An Artistic Statement

when creating art

please consider the black dog

waiting for his ball

IMG_9474Life Philosophy: Bad

*For this week, I will be sharing deep, philosophical statements about life and writing through haiku.

*Disclaimer: “Deep”, “Philosophical”, “Life”, “Writing” and “Haiku” may be approximate statements not tied to dictionary meanings. The author is not responsible for any eye-rolling related injuries.

 


If you would like to see my non-artistic statements, I have also written a fantasy novel, The Guests of Honor. It is available here.

There is No Triumph in Victory

I am so sorry

cat lost in Amesbury Park

I now out-google you

IMG_0329A portrait of my cat. Who is not lost.

Life Philosophy: Good (Seriously. I can’t believe it took this long. Especially since it’s a fictional cat.)

*For this week, I will be sharing deep, philosophical statements about life and writing through haiku.

*Disclaimer: “Deep”, “Philosophical”, “Life”, “Writing” and “Haiku” may be approximate statements not tied to dictionary meanings. The author is not responsible for any eye-rolling related injuries.

 


If you would like to see my appropriately humble writing, I have also written a fantasy novel, The Guests of Honor. It is available here.

An Important Shade of Yellow

banana remains

are a useful reminder

littering is bad

 IMG_0840Life Philosophy: Bad

 

*For this week, I will be sharing deep, philosophical statements about life and writing through haiku.

*Disclaimer: “Deep”, “Philosophical”, “Life”, “Writing” and “Haiku” may be approximate statements not tied to dictionary meanings. The author is not responsible for any eye-rolling related injuries.

 


If you would like to see my non-banana related thoughts, I have also written a fantasy novel, The Guests of Honor. It is available here.